I just made out with a guy for $7.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
