I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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