this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
