i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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