So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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