He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
