Cold hands, warm shart.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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