What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
