It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
