youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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