This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
