If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
