Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
