Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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