CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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