True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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