It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
