youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize