So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
