so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
