yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
