you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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