she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Randomize