My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
