I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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