i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
