So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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