seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
