that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
