Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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