loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
