Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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