This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
