the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
