I'm sorry my penis didn't work
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
