dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
