I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
