someone threw a dead crab at me
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
