K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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