If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
