I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
