So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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