I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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