Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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