wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
