Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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