our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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