Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
