you would pick up someone in the library
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
