hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
