I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
