He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
