apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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