My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
