The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
