Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
