Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
