dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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