i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
