I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
