I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
