Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
