I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
