Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
