So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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