I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
