It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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