i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
